Lfe is full of ups and downs. Surprises happen all the time. Sometimes they can make you feel happy, while other times they can make you feel sad. Pardon me for my simple english, I haven't been reading much. This time, a particular "surprise" made me feel sad once more. I detest being down, I always had. But, sometimes, I don't know why, I indulge in it. A form of self-pity perhaps? I don't know. And I hope not. I find myself sometimes crying for no particular reason. Sad with times I don't really know why. Hmm. I think it's the cumulative build up of stress. I'm really not too sure, but I think that's the reason.

The first time that I've cried myself to sleep was at the tender age of 9. I was in primary 3. It as a few a simple reasons that i had cried over..I suppose. I can still remember why. I don't want to go into details here, but it was because of some problems dealing with my brother.. At first I tried to solve the problems myself, since it was manageable. But later, my bro wld just create them again, every night. I had by then gotten tired of dealing with it. So I had sorted the help of my parents about it but after many numerous attempts, it didn't work out. And I was left to deal with it again and again and again and again and again by myself too many a time. I couldn't take it, and that was not the only case. My Dad was bias towards my bro, he always had and is still so now. I hadn't realised it then, but that played a part in my distress. There were many instances that were linked to his biasness. Many many. I think that my parents did not discipline my bro enough.

I used to pinch my bro when we were younger, in kindergarden. I pinched him a lot, sometimes even piercing through the skin. Or perhaps, half the time. But, that was because I believed that I was diciplining him. He was a very, very naughty kid. Selfish and can be very overbearing at times. At that time, he still listened to me because he was (hahas) scared of me. But after i was told to stop pinching him, he became even naughtier. He became defiant and was not afraid of me. Sighs. I was a very obediant girl and i always do what I'm told, what to do. If only I weren't that obediant, things wld probably been much better..

When I was that young in primary sch, perhaps it was because I didn't know how to get the help I needed from my parents. Didn't know how how to explain to them the problem...Or was it that they had thought that my problems were small, insignificant, not a real problem to worry about. Or did they think that I was simply being petty? I've got no idea. But, one thing that I am very clear of at that time was the fact the they did not discipline my brother well enough. In fact, I was the one that was pointing out all his mistakes. And I mean the obvious mistakes too and not just the small ones.. My Mum has to be given some credit for discipling my bro though. She had really tried. I know. But it wasn't enough. I don't think that she can really be blamed for it though. I know. I know. My dad's biasness towards my bro also had a part to play in this. I know...My Dad? Well, I suppose he justs turns a blind eye every time my bro's done something wrong, or is it that he really really didn't know??? I don't think so. He always tells me to "give in " to my bro, "give in" to my bro. Can't stand it. He says "the elder must always give in to the younger". Yah right, if that really happened in real life. Our kids wld have no future cos then there wld be (almost) nobody discipling him. We can't just give in to our younger junios ALL the time, it's not right. So even when he's in the wrong, we just say "it's ok, nvm" ?? Hmm.. he nevers tell my bro to give in to me Until I pointed out to him that it was so, many times.

Hmmm.. What can I do when I'm stuck(pardon me for saying this) with a family like this??... Hmmm....................................................................................................................................................
...............But.......................................So far, I suppose that improvements can still be made.......
.... Little by little..............................And for my Dad..... Hahas....It wld probably take forever to
change his mindset......